As you begin to contemplate and consider marriage whether this is because: you are at a point where you have finished your studies; or you’ve found your feet with your career; or you could be feeling that your age is right; or maybe your folks have begun to drop marriage into their conversations with you. It can be a very confusing and daunting time which, over a period, can lead to anxiety and stress.
We can acknowledge that Guru ji has taken care of all our karaj’s and the person whom we are destined to marry will become apparent one day. Nonetheless you should put some thoughts into what makes you happy and reflect on the different aspects of the future so that when the opportunity comes, your are well prepared.
We have been working with individuals and families for quite some time and in this blog (and the next) I will share some of the insights of areas I think are worth putting some thoughts into as you begin the journey of finding your life partner.
- Education – What are your thoughts around education? Your potential partner could be from any country in the world so is a certain level of education something you have subconsciously considered a potential partner to have? Perhaps something as a minimum? Education is a vast subject and a degree is not necessarily the only means to evidence intelligence. People can choose different routes and become very successful however, the cultural thinking of a person with a degree should marry another person who also ha a degree….so ask yourself, is having a degree better than having a steady employment (i.e. a source of income)? Do you need somebody whom you can have a certain level of intellectual conversation with (i.e. well read)? Would you prefer a certain level of qualification as a minimum? There is no right or wrong answer, just considerations on how you feel about this topic…….
- Geography – As mentioned we are an international network of Gursikhs working together, so when looking at reshta do you have any thoughts around where you would and wouldn’t like your partner to be from? Some individuals prefer not to explore outside their local regions (i.e. Cities) let alone overseas. How would you feel about an introduction with someone from another country? What are the barriers that stop you considering partners from abroad? Marrying someone from a different country can have its challenges but at the same time, can lead to stronger relationships. Whilst distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder, it is the commitment involved with overseas marriages that are the crucial thread to help those marriages succeed.
- Height – This is an interesting area, is there a particular height that would make it uncomfortable for you to pursue a reshta? Culturally speaking, parents with tall children usually seek a tall individual for their son/daughter however, there is no evidence to support that tall people who marry other tall people are happier! lol In fact you might say opposites attract….
- Age – This area isn’t usually something that requires lots of thought unless the Bibi is older than the Singh, or there is a significant age gap between both, then there could be some hesitation and more consideration might be required. As to why there seems to be some unwritten expectation for a Singh to be older could it be based on research that suggests girls in general mature faster than boys? Who knows, but knowing the age range you would be happy to consider or how many years older or younger you would be willing to go, is a good place to start.
- Hobbies/interests – This is an area that definitely requires some serious thought in my opinion. It can impact on what activities you do together or not do together. For example, if you enjoy travel and are looking forward to travelling far and wide with your partner, then it is worth thinking about how you would feel about travelling if your partner does not like to travel. Having a broad range of hobbies and interests is good but are there some that you definitely want to maintain in married life and is it worth having a discussion around those? Again there is no right or wrong answer and it is ok to have no particular hobbies and interests it is only worth discussing further if a time element or a monetary commitment or a commitment of ‘physical space’ is involved e.g. An Art Studio
- Finances – A very very important area of consideration and it is not just in reference to the cost of the wedding but the ongoing finances that need to be considered within a marriage. It is an area that often gets overlooked and not discussed until a few months after the marriage at which point, it can lead to some very highly emotionally charged conversations. Perceptions can be deceptive and the best way forward is so be open and honest and discuss areas that you feel might cause you anxiety later on. Do you want to know about what or any debt your partner might have? Will this impact on what you can do or can’t do going forward? Who will be the breadwinner in the marriage and are there any dependents involved who rely on the income? Do you have any commitments from a previous marriage that need to be considered and discussed? Are there certain lifestyle choices you wish to maintain after marriage e.g. Gym subscriptions; or a grand collection of shoes that may need to be disclosed……
